Divorce is never easy. Even the fact that about half of all American couples go through it doesn’t make the process any quicker or less painful. The involved parties usually react with strong emotion, though David Ostrom puts them all to shame.
Tired of being dragged through the mud, the Kansas man showed up to the courtroom looking to pick a fight — literally. Everyone present was appalled by his behavior, but what really shocked them was the possibility that he might have legally been in the right. If divorce were a dragon, then David was ready to slay it.
In the early months of 2020, David Ostrom was barely holding himself together. The 40-year-old couldn’t quite grasp how unfair it seemed that his entire life fell apart, all because David lost the one person he loved most.
His (former) wife Bridgette left him in the dust by filing for divorce and bringing in a high-powered attorney to humiliate her ex in court. David, on the other hand, was left to defend himself.
The woman he once loved “destroyed [him] legally,” in David’s eyes. She hadn’t gone so far to toss all his possessions out on the front lawn, but the divorce and subsequent cash grab left him feeling emasculated.
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It wasn’t enough that Matthew Hudson, Bridgette’s Iowa-based lawyer, was looking for a piece of David’s salary. The attorney was also trying to wrest away custody of David’s kids, and that was something he couldn’t allow to happen.
As a matter of fact, the Kansas man was so furious that he wanted to smash everything in sight. Maybe that would make him feel better. But as he was daydreaming about wrecking his ex-wife’s living room, a curious thought hit David.
What if the legal system did allow him to smash his problems away? David, though a layman, hit the law books hard before his next court appearance with Bridgette. His bold proposal that day nearly made the judge hang up his robe.
David looked back to legal proceedings from the days of yore. Rather than rely on evidence to prove their innocence, medieval defendants often had another available avenue with which to free themselves.
Here, in a 21st century democracy, David Ostrom requested trial by combat. The dad stated that he and his wife’s appointed champion would meet “on the field of battle where [they would] rend their souls from their corporal bodies.”
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Before anyone could interrupt him, David pointed out that his request did have legal precedent. A few years earlier, Justice Philip Minardo of the New York Supreme Court humorously noted that such duels had not been explicitly forbidden.
According to David’s additional research, “To this day, trial by combat has never been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in these United States.” However, he explained that he wasn’t ready to jump into the colosseum right away.
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The newly minted warrior requested twelve weeks before the big fight. For one thing, David had positively no experience when it came to sword fighting. He would need to train until he attained a samurai’s skill — if he could find a weapon.
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He further explained that those weeks would give him time to forge a katana or wakizashi himself. David brushed over the fact that this trade takes decades to learn, of course. But that wasn’t his only mistake.
Bridgette’s lawyer was quick to spot a key typo in David’s statement that illustrated just how poorly thought-out his plan was. Instead of writing “corporeal bodies,” David said “corporal bodies” — as if he were referring to a military rank.
Grammatical issues aside, there was the plain possibility that one of the combatants could die, even with the blunted weapons that David suggested. Did the court really want to risk having blood on its hands?
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Mr. Hudson wisely observed that a bloody death within the legal system far outweighed the consequences of a custody or property deal. He also had a harsh recommendation for Bridgette’s former husband.
Because of David’s incoherent writing and violent tendencies, the opposing lawyer suggested he be mandated to see a court-appointed therapist. But before the samurai dad could protest, the judge spoke up.
The court had heard enough about this trial by combat nonsense and simply wanted to move on. David wouldn’t have the chance to defend his honor like a true warrior, but he was confident that he came out looking like the bigger man.
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He felt that Bridgette’s lawyer was unreasonable from the start, so he resorted to fighting fire with fire. “I think I’ve met Mr. Hudson’s absurdity with my own absurdity,” David said. He had to know that no judge would take his request seriously.
What David didn’t foresee was reporters all over the country covering his crazy story. They had a field day with the dad who wanted to joust for custody of his kids. But David could take heart knowing that there were far more ridiculous legal battles than his.
