Over the past decade, the culture has become more open to discussing issues surrounding gender identity. Trans and non-binary people are finding their voices and using them to demand the same respect and acceptance as anyone else.
When one mom noticed her child behaving in a way that raised some questions, she convinced herself they were only going through a phase. But when her child took a desperate action she could no longer ignore, the mother was forced to make a difficult decision.
In December of 2010, Kimberly Shappley gave birth to a beautiful baby. Kim and her husband were overjoyed, but they soon realized this child was nothing like their five other offspring. It all started when the kid learned how to walk and talk…
The child, whose middle name was Kai, preferred playing with dolls and dressing up in costumes over racing cars or playing sports like Shappley’s other sons did. It left Kai a bit isolated, which worried Kimberly.
Then, Kai began stretching T-shirts to make dresses from them, begging to grow long hair, and declaring that boys were “gross.” Kimberly, who worked as a nurse, recalled family members inquiring if Kai could be gay.
Eventually, someone introduced another idea to Kim: Kai could be a transgender girl. “A friend of mine, who’s a child psychologist, pointed out that Kai had very feminine behavior,” Kimberly said.
However, the Texas-based mom wasn’t ready to hear it at that time and brushed it away, saying he’d grow out of it. But in December of 2013, around Kai’s third birthday, they exclaimed, “I’m a girl.”
At this point, Kimberly felt torn between her beliefs and the happiness of her child. “I come from a conservative religious background,” she said, “and although I’d heard about people being transgender, it wasn’t something I really agreed with.”
In the hopes of suppressing Kai’s feminine identity, Kim started encouraging them to be more boyish. She gave Kai a short hairdo and camo tees, signed them up for sports, and made them play with their brothers. None of it worked.
“Every time he said, ‘I’m a girl,’ or ‘I’m a princess,’ I would look at him and say, ‘No, you’re a boy,’” she recalled. And while Kai didn’t become less feminine, they did become less happy, as they now struggled with tantrums, bedwetting, and withdrawal.
But the mom of six’s attitude changed in November of 2014 when she tucked Kai into bed and noticed that they were wearing a pair of pink underwear so tiny it stopped the blood circulating to their legs.
That was the moment when Kimberly realized that Kai “was desperately trying to tell me who he was, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.” Wanting to do right by her child, she began reaching out to other mothers who had been through the same.
Reaching out to other moms of genderqueer kids was both a blessing and a curse. She learned that many trans people suffer from depression and often commit suicide — a thought that terrified Kimberly to her core.
Afraid that the same would happen to Kai, she knew that her only real option was to accept Kai for who they — or rather who she — was. It was time to let go of her son and embrace her daughter.
So, Kim began supporting Kai’s transition from male to female by buying her girls’ panties, followed by tees and legwear. The Shappleys’ older children “weren’t fazed at all,” she said, and the family “started using ‘she’ instead of ‘him.’”
Sadly, not everyone in The Shappleys’ community was on board with Kimberly’s decision to stand by her daughter. “Some accused me of being a bad parent, but Kai was so much happier, I knew I was doing the right thing,” Kim said.
Most shockingly, the superintendent of Kai’s school compared bathroom use by transgender students to pedophilia and perverseness. “That’s when the mamma bear in me came out, and an active political role became a necessity,” Kim fumed.
Astounded by the school’s reaction, Kim spoke at school board meetings. “As a Christian mom to a transgender kid, I couldn’t stand by and let this far right, ultra-conservative, Christian man use my faith to hurt my daughter,” she said.
Despite Kimberly’s pleas, the school refused to adjust. They insisted on calling Kai by her dead name and didn’t allow her to use the little girls’ room. Kai quickly went from loving school to coming home crying every day.
Eventually, the Shappleys had seen enough of their small town’s discriminatory ways, and they packed up and moved to Austin, Texas. While still in a conservative state, Austin is a much more liberal city with a larger queer community.
On the first day of school, the protective mom saw a sign that led her to believe that she had made the right choice. She recalled, “I noticed a rainbow poster stating, ‘We’re an LGBT affirming school district.’”
With that, Kai settled into her new school and started coming home with “normal childhood issues.” But Kimberly’s fight wasn’t over, as she realized that people of her faith were not as willing to listen or understand LGBT issues.
That’s why Kim continued speaking at suicide-prevention events, universities, Houston Pride in 2017, and family-centric conferences. She was also open to consulting with therapists, other LGBT moms, and her friends.
“Everything that resulted from our story being told made one thing very clear – we needed to keep telling it. We had to keep fighting for acceptance and equality,” Kimberly said. Still, it was exhausting for her.
Nevertheless, Kim persisted. “This is my daughter’s future. So, even though I keep telling myself, ‘after this fight is won I’ll go back to nursing, I’ll go back to my normal life,’ I can’t. Because this fight is in jeopardy,” the new LGBT advocate said.
Of course, Kim is now proud to be a social advocate. Not only has she found a cause to believe in, but she has embraced her daughter completely and wants nothing but happiness for Kai. “I usually prepare my children for the world, but now I’m preparing the world for my child,”
While fighting for your child’s right to be themselves and to be accepted is definitely a noble cause, it is far from being won. Genderqueer people of all ages face discrimination and bigotry. Unfortunately, a child named Roo encountered the same issues as Kai did.
